Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
