I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
