I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
