you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
