How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's blow job season.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
