she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
