My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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