Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
