I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
