Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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