he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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