On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
