i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I'm really busy with my period
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