I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm just crazy horny about you
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
