Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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