You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize