Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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