My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
