i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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