just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
