you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize