sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
last night I used snow as a chaser
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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