idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I am naked and annoyed.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize
