I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
