Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
