Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
