i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Shame - the story of my life.
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