I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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