I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
It's shark week go big or go home
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
