I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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