Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
