Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
