I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
