Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
