Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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