what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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