So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
