Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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