this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Randomize
