He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
he's gonorrhea incarnate
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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