I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
