Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
