I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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