just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
