Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
