Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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