3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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