I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Randomize