Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
