omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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