i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize