I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
