My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize