If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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