Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
