im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
