there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
