He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
