why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
